Carolina Panthers @ Atlanta Falcons (27-6)
With Atlanta losing to the Saints Monday Night they still have not locked up the number one seed. Thus, this game constitutes a must-win, with a victory netting the Falcons that coveted first round bye. Standing in their way is the 2-13 Carolina Panthers-could they play the role of spoiler? I see one problem: Carolina sucks. There, I said it. No way Atlanta loses with what’s at stake playing against such a mediocre team.
And the lesson, as always: don’t take Jimmy Clausen on the road. Just don’t even think about it.
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Cleveland Browns (20-13)
Pittsburgh is beat up but Cleveland has played three very Cleveland-esque games in a row. Peyton Hillis has dropped off dramatically the past three weeks, and in the process lost thousands of people their fantasy championships (do they have therapy for that?). The Steelers have everything to play for, needing a win to clinch their division. Plus, the Browns have lost the luster of a frisky upset pick. Apparently it doesn’t take that long to figure out a rookie quarterback and halfback who hurdles people and fumbles way too much.
Minnesota Vikings @ Detroit Lions (24-10)
Joe Webb was picked in the sixth round, number 199—so was Tom Brady. Unfortunately that’s where the parallels end. But you have to admit, Webb has looked pretty decent the two games he’s been given a chance. Sort of a Travaris Jackson on steroids. The sad part? He might not even get the start, with a certain attention hogging, grey bearded, penis picture taking quarterback breathing down his neck. It doesn’t matter though; I know exactly how this plays out. Favre starts, throws a couple passes, than gets body-slammed by Ndamukong Suh as Jen Sterger and Deanna Favre excitedly hug and congratulate each other. At least, that’s how it plays out in my mind-stay tuned.
The Lions are going for their fourth win in a row, but they may be just too beat up. They will probably without Calvin Johnson-the wideout that makes their offense tick. It also seems like the Vikings genuinely enjoy Leslie Frazier, which could mean they’ll play hard to try to save his job…
Oakland Raiders @ Kansas City Chiefs (30-17)
A Kansas City victory clinches the #3 seed; a loss possibly drops them to the #4 seed. What would you rather do? Host the Jets and travel to Pittsburgh (3 seed situation) or host Baltimore and travel to New England (4 seed situation)? That’s a pretty massive difference, so expect the Chiefs to go all out in this one. In other news, the Raiders could be the first team in seven centuries to go 6-0 in their division yet not make the playoffs. Only the Raiders, only the Raiders…
Miami Dolphins @ New England Patriots (30-10)
New England’s in the F-you zone, Chad Henne is in the I’m F’ed zone. The Patriots won’t rest their starters until the third-fourth quarter, so expect New England to jump to a comfortable lead for our boy Hoyer to work with. Never underestimate a man fighting for his job-as we saw from Jimmy Clausen two weeks ago-but the Patriots are just too locked in for this Miami squad…
Belichick is all about momentum; don’t expect him to just roll over in front of a division rival.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ New Orleans Saints (23-13)
Sean Payton has a history of resting his guys week 17, and with nothing to gain with a win (barring a miraculous loss by Atlanta), expect nothing different this time around. Josh Freeman and company can make the postseason with a win and divine intervention, so expect them to go all out as the Saints rest their guys by the third quarter once they realize Atlanta is beating Carolina 96 to 3.
Buffalo Bills @ New York Jets (24-10)
Rex Ryan essentially confirmed he was resting the majority of his starters against the Bills in his last press conference. And you know what, the Bills aren’t terrible, and I think they’ll want to close the season strong after a hideous defeat to the New England Patriots. In fact, I think Buffalo might be able to beat the Jet’s starters at this point-never mind they’re JV squad.
Cincinnati Bengals @ Baltimore Ravens (21-14)
It’s a sad day for Blitzswish; I can no longer make fun of everyone’s favorite bad quarterback. In the most stunning three hours of the season Palmer threw for 300 yards along with four touchdowns—I also lit my left hand on fire. I hope he doesn’t have a repeat performance; otherwise I will be typing with stumps.
Baltimore isn’t like San Diego; they know what’s at stake (a possible division title) and won’t fold like the Bolts.
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Houston Texans (28-14)
It’s really, really hard for me to pick the Houston Texans under any circumstances. In fact, if there were to be a matchup between the “Tiny Football League” and the Texans, I would probably pick the Texans. But I would have to think about it.
Jacksonville will be playing without its two best players: Maurice Jones-Drew and David Garrard-Trent Edwards is his backup. That’s like going from a filet-mignon dinner to SPAM. We know how the Jags perform without their star halfback, how do you think they’ll look without their quarterback?
New York Giants @ Washington Redskins (34-21)
A defeat to the Rex Grossman led Redskins would finish an excruciating three weeks of Giants football. An improbable defeat against the Eagles capped off by a punt return of all things, a severe beating at the hands of the Packers in which Eli definitely looked like the ugly, stunted brother of the Manning dynasty, then a defeat at the hands of Rex Grossman of all people. Would Giants fans ever recover? It can’t happen, right? The football Gods (and Roger Goodell) would never allow it, right? RIGHT???
Dallas Cowboys @ Philadelphia Eagles (31-27)
Here’s an interesting one. This game is essentially Kevin Kolb’s audition for a starting job next year-you don’t think he’ll take this very seriously? Other key Philadelphia starters besides Vick such as DeSean Jackson and LeSean McCoy will likely sit also, meaning Kolb will be throwing to third and fourth string receivers. On the other side we’ve got Stephen McGee starting at quarterback-who didn’t look half bad against Arizona. I like the Cowboys because they have everything to play for (namely Jason Garrett’s job) while the Eagles have nothing (except a frantic Kevin Kolb trying to pass for 450 yards and four touchdowns).
Arizona Cardinals @ San Francisco 49ers (24-9)
Here’s what we’ve learned this season: under no circumstances can you trust a bad quarterback on the road. At home, maybe, against another bad team-on the road, forget about it. For that reason, and that reason alone I like the 49ers. And by like I mean they’ve killed my picks record all season but why not close the year out in style?
Chicago Bears @ Green Bay Packers (26-17)
This was set up to be a tremendous game, until Philadelphia decided to lose to the Vikings and destroy the entire NFC playoff picture. Now, Chicago has clinched the division and a first round bye-meaning they have nothing to play for. Green Bay has everything to play for, needing this win to earn a playoff berth. Lovie Smith has been preaching all week that the Bears wouldn’t just roll over in this one, but it would be murder to go all out against a rapid Packers team backed against the wall. And aren’t the Packers too good not to make the playoffs?
Tennessee Titans @ Indianapolis Colts (38-7)
Ok. So now the Titans have a rookie quarterback named Rusty Smith, an emotionally unstable (to put it lightly) quarterback named Vince Young, and a 37 year old veteran who likes to nail innocent defensive ends sitting on the bench with errant incompletions. The Titans season in a nutshell…the only thing better? If Kerry Collins happened to nail Randy Moss with an errant incompletion as he was rotting away on the bench. If you like the Titans in this one, shame on you. You honestly think Peyton Manning loses this game with a postseason berth on the table? It’s not gonna’ happen…even if there is a special place in hell reserved for Peyton Manning. Which there is, definitely.
San Diego Chargers @ Denver Broncos (27-16)
Since first seeing Tebow start in the NFL I’ve been searching for a comparison that makes sense…he just seems so unique. Well, I finally found it. He’s like Michael Vick (pre dog-fighting indictment) with a slightly weaker arm, but better intangibles. He’s got a throwing motion that doesn’t seem like it should be possible and he’s sneaky, sneaky fast.
This game is near impossible to figure out. The Chargers have been a mystery all season, they’re on pace to be the first team in history to finish .500 while having the number 1# ranked defense and #2 offense. But the biggest mystery of all: How does Norv Turner still have a job? This season’s result has been building up for a long time, every single year his team’s start slow. Only this time there was a team strong enough to overtake the Bolts. At some point, A.J Smith has to realize that for all Norv’s offensive acumen his teams have never done anything.
Why I like the Broncos: Like the rest of the country, I’ve got a bit of a Teboner. How can you not believe in a missionary/stud/hunk quarterback? The Chargers are dead: take it to the bank, lock it down. They’ll fold over easier than the Giants after a DeSean Jackson punt return.
St. Louis Rams @ Seattle Seahawks (23-6)
Have you ever driven by an awful car accident, didn’t want to look, but looked anyway because you were inexplicably drawn to it? That’s what this game is. It’s going to be awful, it will be ugly, and might even involve some broken glass and fire.
Bright-side-that-I’m-not-sure-is-even-bright: We’re spared the sight of Matt Hasselbeck jogging into the endzone then inexplicably injuring his ass in the process. Why it isn’t so bright: His backup is Charlie Whitehurst, affectionately known as the clipboard Jesus. FYI: he sucks.
That Sam Bradford guy? He’s not too bad…
Last Week: 8-7
Overall: 134-89
Lock of the Week: St. Louis Rams OVER Seattle Seahawks
Upset of the Week: Buffalo Bills OVER New York Jets
Pounding of the Week: Atlanta Falcons OVER Carolina Panthers
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