Week 13 Picks

Washington Redskins @ New York Giants (31-10)

The Redskins and Giants are so boring I don’t even have anything humorous to add. And what’s fun/interesting/exciting/watchable/funny about Washington’s offense? It’s a capital offense (get it? Redskins are a D.C team). Yeah, picks aren’t off to a good start…just like Washington’s offense Sunday afternoon.

Denver Broncos @ Kansas City Chiefs (35-20)

Game two of the handshake bowl: the big question? What does Josh McDaniels do when his Broncos are blown out of Arrowhead stadium? The end-of-game coach’s handshake could turn out to be one of the most dramatic moments of week 13. Regardless, Denver is a terrible team, going into a notoriously difficult place to play, against a team that is undefeated at home. Oh, I forgot the Chiefs have the best running attack in the league and a receiver who went from a laughing stock to having the chance to break Randy Moss's single season touchdwon record of 23. Thanks for saving fantasy teams across the country Dwayne Bowe!

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Tennessee Titans (20-9)

Rusty Smith was so bad last week the Titans would rather start an injured 37 year old Kerry Collins. I would go with Tennessee based on the Chris Johnson effect but they gave him seven touches last week…against the Texans! Oh, and Gus Johnson is calling this contest which means there has to be a miracle Hail-Mary at the end…so look out.

San Francisco 49ers @ Green Bay Packers (38-13)

I can smell this blowout like I can smell a re-fried beans fart. After a tough loss against Atlanta, Green Bay knows it’s got a miniscule margin of error, and you can bet they’ll take care of business against a team that only plays well against its own (crappy) division. Oh, and no Frank Gore for San Fran…yeah…

Cleveland Browns @ Miami Dolphins (23-14)

Just checked out the injury report, just saw that Jake Delehome is starting, just decided to pick the Dolphins. By now it’s gotta be common knowledge that Jake is guaranteed a pick six every game, which will be the difference.

Buffalo Bills @ Minnesota Vikings (20-10)

It’s not that the Bills are bad; it’s just that God hates Steve Johnson…poor guy. Look for the Vike's pass rush to get through (the D-Line plays vastly better at home) and the offense to continue improving as Sidney Rice gets more acclimated. The Bills have played so well the past five weeks they’re due for a letdown…right?

Chicago Bears @ Detroit Lions (27-10)

Tempted to pick the Lions purely because Ndamukong Suh should pillage Chicago’s less than mediocre offensive line. In fact, if it wasn’t for that iniquitous call against Calvin Johnson in week one da’ Bears would have lost. Nevertheless, that was week one and the Bears are a much better team; complete with an offensive line that is at least passable. Chicago should have a field day against the Alphonso Smith led Lions secondary; if Deon Branch is capable of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_WdxUWX760 then I shudder to think what havoc Devin Hester will create…

New Orleans Saints @ Cincinnati Bengals (34-24)

Cincinnati gets another chance to spoil a good team’s day…will they deliver? No. A quick thought on the Bengals: everyone wonders why they aren’t good. How can they be bad with Terrell Owens, Chad OchoCinco, and Carson Palmer!? Why? Because they’ve built the perfect fantasy team, and they’re fantastic in garbage time. Oh, and someone terrible at the quarterback position invaded Carson’s Palmer body. What if Carson’s Palmer’s brother (the back-up QB) Jordan Palmer has been starting all year? Mind=blown.

Oakland Raiders @ San Diego Chargers (35-13)

I’m starting to get excited again that the Patriots have Oakland’s round one draft pick. I was scared for a bit, I thought they were good again. Remember everyone’s excitement about the Raiders-Steelers game? It was like it was back in the day, right? Oakland’s been such a strip tease this season…Meanwhile the Chargers are amidst their customary upswing and will undoubtedly take care of business in December where Phil Rivers is perfect.

Carolina Panthers @ Seattle Seahawks (17-6)

Seattle is the most inconsistent squad in the league. Based on their dreadful performance last week, aren’t they due for an upturn? Especially against the Carolina Panthers; the perfect anecdote for a struggling team.

Atlanta Falcons @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers (16-10)

I’m really feeling the Bucs this week. Division rival, playoff hopes on the line, home game, the Josh Freeman effect. Why the hell not? Sure Atlanta is better, but on the road, after a tough, tough win?

St. Louis Rams @ Arizona Cardinals (24-17)

I put my heart and soul into these picks every week! Every damn week! I take this sh!t seriously! I study my @$$ off every week, you think I wanna go out and embarrass myself?! You know what, I’m done…I’m sorry, but I’m done! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGsIxLChyHQ

Dallas Cowboys @ Indianapolis Colts (31-28)

I still have way too much respect for Peyton Manning and his offense...perhaps a foolish amount. Regardless, Indianapolis losing three in a row is too much for my meager mind to grasp, regardless of what the situation is. As much as I think Dallas can win this I like the Colts to remind everyone they’re not dead yet…as much as Jim Caldwell wants you to believe it.

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Baltimore Ravens (13-10)

This will be a hard-fought smashmouth football game…just like the other 7,000 games (ahem, wars) these two teams have played against each other. But I have to give the edge to the Ravens based on health, a more consistent offense, and home field advantage.

New York Jets @ New England Patriots (35-27)

I couldn’t be more confident about this pick, really, I couldn’t. Unless the Jets have several other Revis’s lying around there is no way they can contain Deion Branch, Wes Welker, Brandon Tate, Danny Woodhead, Ben-Jarvus Green-Ellis, Rob Gronkowwwwskiiiiii (actual spelling), and Aaron Hernandez. Someone’s going to be open. The duo of rookie tight ends especially should have big days grabbing balls down the middle of the field while the Jet’s corners concentrate on Branch and Welker. This pat’s offense has evolved from the “Mossffense” to a much more dynamic unit in which Brady gets the ball out fast and to the open man…a perfect foil to New York’s “send the house” style of defense.

Last Week: 11-5

Overall: 96-64

Upset of the week: Tampa Bay Buccaneers OVER Atlanta Falcons

Lock of the week: New England Patriots OVER New York Jets (HOMER ALERT! HOMER ALERT!)

Pounding of the week: Green Bay Packers OVER San Francisco 49ers