Can we nuke the Pro Bowl?

I love to watch football, so much so in fact, that Sunday night I flipped on the Pro Bowl game, hoping it would be at least a little better than plowing through another 45 pages of Classic Readings in International Relations. I watched the first quarter, and abruptly came to the conclusion that not only would it be a better use of my time to continue reading about Neorealism, but it might in fact, be more entertaining. You can’t really understand how monumental that is unless you know me as a person. I’m the same guy that once decided to write a twelve paper on a book I didn’t read until the night before it was due. In short, I’m not quite the model student. So for me to choose International Relations over a football game is like Charlie Sheen deciding he’d rather spend an evening at the library instead of partying with pornstars and snorting suitcases full of crack.


Enough about my personal study habits, the real issue here is the state of the NFL’s All-Star game. Let’s first remind ourselves of what the All-Star game should be about. A showcase of the sport’s best talent all gathered in one place, right? It should be a spectacle, as fans get to watch the best players at their positions each duke it out—one dream team versus another. Sort of like in Madden when you switch on fantasy draft in franchise mode so you can build a dream team of your own. Who wouldn’t want to see Michael Vick throw bombs to Roddy White, Larry Fitzgerald, and Calvin Johnson for sixty minutes?

Anyone with half a brain knows that the Pro Bowl is anything but what I just described. It’s full of defensive lineman that pretend to rush the passer by pretending to battle in the trenches, only to dance around the quarterback for as long as possible and pretend to go for the sack. Seriously, have you ever seen a sack in a Pro Bowl—like ever? It’s full of linebackers that like to pretend the ball carrier has small pox and quarterbacks who are adept at contorting their face into a mask of frustration if they throw an interception—only they could care less. There’s so much disinterest in the Pro Bowl that you’d think you were back in remedial English all over again.

It’s not unusual for a sporting league’s All-Star game to be relaxed—it’s expected. The game (and days leading up to it) is as much for the players as they are for the fans. It’s a nice reward for the league’s finest players (you know, besides the zillions of dollars they make each season). But there is a much different feel accompanying the NBA’s, MLB’s, and even NHL’s premiere player showcase. I’ll start with the one I know best, NBA All-Star weekend. Before we even get to the game, there are tons of individual contests such as the three-point shootout, the dunk contest, and the HORSE game. Want to see how many uncontested threes Paul Pierce can hit, or what dunk Dwight Howard will try next, or want to see Kevin Durant try the zaniest shot he can come up with—and make it? NBA All-Star weekend is great like that. Shoot, there is even a celebrity game—being coached by Jimmy Kimmel and Bill Simmons this year.

Finally, we get to the game itself. No defense is played, of course—rather the leagues most gifted players attempting wild shots, crazy dunks, and physics-defying passes. Simply put its fun to watch— kind of like the Harlem Globetrotters. What NBA fan wouldn’t want to tune in? It’s like watching everything you tried to do on your driveway hoop only you failed miserably because you’re not 6’7 with the athletic grace of a cheetah. The MLB and NHL showcase games are similar to the NBA’s, with cool contests that display crazy skill intermixed with the All-Star game itself.

Why does the NFL’s version have to be so incredibly bland? The nature of the sport itself makes it hard to present an exciting (and watchable) Pro Bowl game. Let’s break this down:

1) Physicality: No sport is more physically taxing and dangerous than football. Think it’s a coincidence they only play 16 regular season games compared to 82 in basketball, or 162 in baseball? There is such a huge risk of injury on every play that there’s no way the NFL’s All-Star game could be played at anything close to full intensity. What player wants to risk serious injury in a “fun game” with no meaning?

2) Entertainment Value: Basketball is a beautiful sport to watch. It’s graceful. It’s entertainment in its purest form. The ABA, the NBA’s rival league in the 70’s became popular because it played “above the rim” unlike the less exciting NBA. Dunks are the most crowd pleasing and awe-inspiring athletic feat in sports. The NBA All-Star contest happens to be full of them. It’s way more viable to turn a basketball game into a crowd pleasing spectacle than in football. That’s not to say football isn’t entertaining, it’s just that its entertainment value lies more in bone crushing tackles and leaping one-handed catches. How often do you see a one handed touchdown grab compared to a dunk? My point exactly…

3) Strategy: If you’re a football junkie, then strategy is one of the greatest things about the sport. What formation is the offense in? What type of blitz was that? Do they run a 3-4 defense, or a Tampa-2? All questions die-hard fans love to ask and answer. An All-Star game effectively renders the strategy moot—not super important in basketball, but very important in football.

Half-Baked ideas to fix the Pro Bowl:

1) Allow Chad OchoCinco to design it…

Think any of my ideas are nuts? Chad would take them to a whole new level. And don’t lie to yourself; you would watch anything Chad was involved in, just for pure comedies sake.

2) Media Coaches…

I have a theory: Coaches HATE the pro bowl. Instead of attending the Senior Bowl they’re stuck formulating a game plan in which they cannot blitz, play man coverage, or basically use any modern football strategy. Rex Ryan will eventually coach the Pro Bowl and he will poop himself. To top it all off they get to coach players who don’t care and lead “practices” about as strenuous as my workout this morning. And they have to do all that instead of attending arguably the most important scouting event of the year? Cue 32 NFL coaches sadly nodding their heads in unison. Instead, fans should be allowed to vote two prominent football writers/reporters to coach each conference. Who wouldn’t enjoy watching John Clayton and Adam Schefter look at the play-call sheet like it’s written in Swahili? All of us snobby writers spend the majority of our miserable existence trashing coaches; don’t we deserve our moment in spotlight?



3) Razzle- Dazzle Football…

This is perhaps my most half-baked idea yet…my crowning achievement. Everyone’s played “Razzle-dazzle” football before—where you’re able to throw the ball when you catch it and make your way down field. It’s stupid, crazy, and incredibly fun. Instead of watching offensive and defensive lineman pretend to fight in the trenches, let’s load the field with skill position players and see what happens. How about this lineup: Michael Vick, Matt Ryan, Roddy White, Calvin Johnson, DeSean Jackson, Larry Fitzgerald, Greg Jennings, Michael Turner, LeSean McCoy, Adrian Peterson, and Devin Hester.

I know, we would be excluding some of the most important players on the field. But look, they work hard and gain little recognition all season, why not allow the lineman to watch from the sidelines and enjoy a reprieve?

The Razzle-dazzle idea completely destroys the integrity of the game, but isn’t it destroyed every January when 22 of the game’s best lineup and give less effort than a McDonald’s employee? We have two options here: Continue the Pro Bowl until it is eventually phased out because the Associated Press can’t even stop bashing it, or inject some flare/excitement into the game.

4) Throw in a silly contest or six…

Can Peyton Manning throw a football threw a tire from 55 feet away? How many balls can Larry Fitzgerald catch one-handed? Can Jamaal Charles outrun Chris Johnson? These are all questions that need to be answered. There’s a crap ton of cool contests we could come up with…

All other All-Star events are just that: events (even hockey), football should be no different. You know things are bad when a college student, one who watches football games like Lil’ Wayne smokes weed, chooses to study rather than watch the NFL’s premier showcase of talent. It’s a difficult sport to make an All-Star game out of, but we have an obligation to try.

Oh, and God help the Pro Bowl if we have an 18 game schedule, but that’s an idea for another column…