You should totally spend copious amounts of time this weekend watching the All-Star festivities. No, really, you should. It took Bill Simmons 4,000 words, but he astutely pointed out just how historically great this All- Star game could be. The west is so loaded it took divine intervention from David Stern for Kevin Love—a guy averaging the first 20-15 since Moses Malone—to earn a spot as a reserve. LaMarcus Aldridge, putting up 23-10’s on a nightly basis while keeping the Blazer’s relevant, didn’t even make it. Neither did Monta Ellis, the NBA’s fifth leading scorer and resident energy bunny—averaging almost 42 minutes a night. Wake me up when this happens again (oh right, we’re primed for a decade of more of top flight All-Star contests!).
I could stop there, but you, readers, deserve more evidence. Here’s a full breakdown of why, exactly, you should spend your weekend watching events that have been mediocre at best the last decade. Here you go:
The Rosters:
East starters: Dwyane Wade (G), Derrick Rose (G), Dwight Howard (C), LeBron James (F), Amare Stoudemire (F)
East Reserves: Ray Allen (G), Rajon Rondo (G), Joe Johnson (G), Chris Bosh (F), Kevin Garnett (F), Paul Pierce (F), Al Horford (C)
West Starters: Kobe Bryant (G), Chris Paul (G), Yao Ming (mercifully replaced by Kevin Love) (C), Carmelo Anthony (F), Kevin Durant (F)
West Reserves: Deron Williams (G), Russell Westbrook (G), Manu Ginobili (G), Blake Griffin (F), Tim Duncan (F), Pau Gasol (F), Dirk Nowitzki (F), Kevin Love (F)
1. The Celtics DOMINATE the Eastern reserves with four selections. Miami’s “Big three” is also present on the East team, which will make for some interesting locker room interaction. Do they let Rondo into the huddle?
2. Blake Griffin we’ll be the biggest attraction all weekend, but we could see something truly special in the All-Star game. I will most certainly lose my shit if Blake Superior and Chris Paul connect on a full court alley-oop all over Chris Bosh’s grill. It’s really a shame Blake can’t dunk on Pau Gasol…I think he should anyway.
3. How loaded is the west? Depending on who you talk to, the NBA’s best point guard is a reserve (Williams), the league’s best rebounder needed Stern intervention to get in (Love), the worst All Star is Tim Duncan (a sure fire hall of famer), and all but one guy on that list (Gasol) is or has been a franchise player. Wow.
4. Doc Rivers is taking nearly his entire starting lineup with him, how does he manage it? He doesn’t want to play favorites, but he also doesn’t want to upset his guys.
5. Rondo and Rose don’t like each other (going back to Team USA over the summer when Rose essentially took Rondo’s spot on the team). The Celtics big four and Miami’s big three really hate each other. Everyone hates Kevin Garnett. That’s a lot of bad blood on the East. It’s gonna’ be fascinating to watch how they interact both on the court and on the bench.
Rumor has it that Derrick Rose isn’t too fond of LeBron James and Dwyane Wade. Rumor also has it that Wade doesn’t like Rose because Rose wasn’t fond of the idea of joining forces with another superstar. Both are insane competitors, how does this play out?
6. We’ve got five sets of real life teammates this year. That always makes the game more enjoyable from a basketball perspective as guys who know how to play with each other have an undeniable advantage. Wade and James really put on a show in last year’s game, with several months of experience together; we could be in for something special. And I’m just dying to see all four Celtics check in at once, how cool would that be?
I’ve been tinkering with the lineups, and these are my favorites:
Fast break Heaven
-Rajon Rondo, LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Amare Stoudemire, Dwight Howard.
Rondo would have so many options his face would explode.
Alley-oop orgy
-Chris Paul, Russell Westbrook, Blake Griffin, Carmelo Anthony, Kevin Durant
Chris Paul, arguably the best passer in the league, should be able to throw a handful of passes to Blake for face crushing alley-oops.
The young guns
-Russell Westbrook, Chris Paul, Kevin Durant, Kevin Love, Blake Griffin
Out of principal, this needs to happen.
World’s best crunch time lineup
-Chris Paul, Kobe Bryant, Carmelo Anthony, Dirk Nowitzki, Kevin Durant
Why not?
7. Best Battles:
-Rose vs. Williams (battle of the best PG’s alive)
-Howard vs. Duncan (old vs. new school)
-Wade vs. Bryant (best young 2-guard vs. used-to-be-the-best 2-guard)
-Kevin Garnett vs. everybody (Possibly the most hated player in the league vs. everyone who hates him)
Events to watch
Sprite Slam Dunk Contest:
Last year, like always, I was excited to watch the dunk contest. Unfortunately, it was a cathartic, embarrassing, and putrid display of dunking prowess—more like something you would see at your local high school gymnasium (I’m looking at you Gerald Wallace). Nate Robinson won simply because he was shorter than everyone else. This year figures to be much, much better. The entrants are Blake Griffin, Serge Ibaka, JaVale McGee, and DeMar DeRozan. All are young (only McGee is over 21—and he’s only 23), all soak up the spotlight like a sponge, and all are eager to prove themselves. Griffin is the most freakish athletic specimen in the league, McGee is a seven footer who once tried to dunk from the free throw line mid-game, Ibaka is another athletic freak, and DeRozan is the only guy here who has experience in the dunk contest. This has the makings of the best one ever…
Celebrity Game:
Don’t laugh; this one is always morbidly fascinating. Ever catch that new show My Strange Addiction on TBS? It sounds as bad as it is; last night focused on a woman who eats toilet paper. It’s one of those shows you can’t stop watching. You know you’re disgusted, you know you’re wasting precious time you won’t ever get back; you know you’ll lay in your bed at night for an hour thinking about it, but you just can’t turn it off. That’s what the celebrity game is like. It’s a ghastly display of basketball. Watching Terrell Owens the past two years refuse to pass, brick jump shots off the back iron, and miss dunks made me legitimately angry. This year’s promises to be EPIC.
Here’s the lineup: Magic Johnson, Justin Bieber, Scottie Pippen, Bill Walton, AC Green, B.J Armstrong, Chris Mullin, Jalen Rose, Ty Burrell, Rob Kardashian, Zach Levi, Jason Alexander, and Common.
I’ll tune in just to watch Justin Bieber. Seriously. You’re lying to yourself if you wouldn’t want to see what Bieber is capable of on a basketball court. What if he’s good? What if he can dunk? What if Scottie Pippen mercilessly stuffs it in his face possession after possession forcing Bieber to run to the bench, tears streaming down his face? All of this is in play…
What about Ty Burrell, the heinously awkward father on Modern Family? Or Bill Walton, whose feet are unrecognizable after approximately 73 surgeries? What if Magic still has it? Why is Chris Mullin so ugly? Who the hell is Zach Levi?
One last point: If you were to come up with a “guys you could never imagine playing basketball” All Star team, Jason Alexander would have to be on it right? Throw in Larry David, Chris Berman, Dan Snyder, and John Clayton. Now that’s a team!
Three-point contest:
The lineup: Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, James Jones, Kevin Durant, Dorell Wright, Daniel Gibson.
Ray Allen, the best three point shooter ever?! Paul Pierce, defending champion, having his best three point shooting season of his career?! Kevin Durant, the second best basketball player in the world?! James Jones, receiving six open three’s a night?! Dorell Wright, most made threes in the league?! Daniel Gibson, because they needed someone else?! Yes please!
For the first time in recent memory, we have real star power here!
When your worst All Star is Tim Duncan, the best power forward ever, you know the NBA is going through a golden age. This weekend will have interesting subplots, insane young talent, an old school vs. new school complex, Justin Bieber playing basketball, and Kanye West making a “surprise” appearance—what more could you ask for?
I know: Yao Ming!!!
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