Why does anybody watch the NFL draft? Why do we tune in for three+ hours to watch the commissioner read names off of a piece of paper? Why do we find excited players and sobbing parent’s good entertainment? How do we force ourselves to watch Chris Berman for extended periods of time—when it is a proven health risk? I wish I had an explanation, I really do.
And the biggest question of all? What is it with our rabid mock draft obsession? They’re all over the place this time of year; you don’t have to go far to read who the next proclaimed “expert” believes the Carolina Panthers should take with their number one pick or read someone’s opinion on Cam Newton, even though, in all probability, they’ve never met the man.
So of course, I'll give it a shot. Without further ado, my 2011 mock draft:
1. Carolina Panthers: Cam Newton, QB
I have no idea if Cam Newton is a giant lying douche. I do know that he had one really good year in college, and that’s it. On second thought, I don’t really know anything except he looks a hell of a lot better than the alternative. Sorry Jimmy Clausen.
2. Denver Broncos: Marcell Dareus, DT
Does it even matter what this pick is? The Broncos have John freaking Elway as Executive V.P of football operations. That’s code for “I wrecked people on the gridiron and I have full license to do what I want”. John Elway doesn’t make mistakes.
3. Buffalo Bills: Von Miller, OLB
Aaron Maybin has been a complete and utter failure. So much so that he couldn’t make the rotation last season on one of the worst defensive lines in football. Can we call this a make-up pick?
4. Cincinnati Bengals: A.J Green, WR
Everyone thinks the Bengals will go for a quarterback here because of Carson Palmer’s well documented white-hot rage towards the organization. Don’t those people remember the Bengals are the second most delusional franchise in football (just behind the Raiders)? Therefore they grab the best wideout in the draft for the great quarterback they don’t possess.
5. Arizona Cardinals: Blaine Gabbert, QB
Is there a better team for Gabbert? He can sit for a year; learn the offense (which apparently he’ll be able to learn in like 2.5 seconds because he’s a genius), and watch Derek Anderson masterfully direct Arizona’s prolific passing attack. By year two Gabbert can take over for Anderson as he ends his illustrious pro career and awaits his enshrinement in Canton.
6. Cleveland Browns: Robert Quinn, DE
Hasn’t played in a year? Check. Potential serious medical issues resulting from a brain tumor? Check. Only one great year of college production? Check. Now that sounds like a Cleveland Brown’s pick!
7. San Francisco 49er’s: Patrick Peterson, CB
There’s a 67 percent chance Jim Harbaugh tanks all his picks to put him in an even better position to take Andrew Luck—aka Jesus—first overall in next year’s draft. But just so you won’t laugh at my pitiful mocking skills, we’ll give the 49er’s the player Mel Kiper considers the best player in the draft. And Mel Kiper is NEVER wrong.
8. Tennessee Titans: Nick Fairley, DT
Bud Adams likes guys with a little pizazz. He likes taking risks. The experts say Fairley has a questionable motor and work ethic. I have no idea what a questionable motor is, but it sounds like something Bud Adams would like. Just like he enjoys using his middle fingers.
9. Dallas Cowboys: Prince Amukamara, CB
Considering Dallas started Flozell Adams for a time last year (and he actually committed a game-losing penalty) Jerry Jones should probably pick a tackle. You know, so Tony Romo doesn’t break a bone again. But he won’t, he’s Jerry Jones—where flash matters! Plus, drafting a corner means Mike Jenkins no longer has a reason to commit pass interference penalties just for the hell of it.
10. Washington Redskins: Jake Locker, QB
Any time you get the chance to grab a quarterback who finished college with a 53.9 completion percentage and a 6.65 yards-per-attempt average you have to do it. But as they say, he’s got all the physical tools you would ever need. Good god, is that JaMarcus Russell’s music?!
I hope that wasn’t too inflammatory, you never know who Dan Snyder will sue next.
11. Houston Texans: Jimmy Smith, CB
Houston’s pass defense last year was worse than my idea to write a mock draft. According to the Football Outsiders , Houston had the worst pass defense in the league by far. So why wouldn’t they reach for a defensive back?
12. Minnesota Vikings: Da’Quan Bowers, DE
Did Bowers just steal the “hardest name in the league to spell” title from Ndamukong Suh? With Locker off my hypothetical board (who the Vikings are apparently enamored with) they grab a player who could have been a number one pick if he didn't share knee ligaments with Brandon Roy.
13. Detroit Lions: Tyron Smith, OT
Detroit needs something, SOMEONE to protect the teddy-bear soft Matt Stafford. Tyron Smith is supposedly the most talented tackle in the draft. Detroit should grab him but I have the sinking feeling that Matt Millen will somehow sabotage yet another Detroit draft. He’s like the chick from The Ring; no matter what you do or how far you distance yourself, he just keeps coming back for more.
14. St. Louis Rams: Julio Jones, WR
Sam Bradford’s targets last season were a couple Wes Welker wannabe’s and a tight end. This makes too much sense not to happen. So of course it won’t.
15. Miami Dolphins: Ryan Mallett, QB
Chad Henne was so bad last year that a stoner is actually considered a better alternative. In one way I love this pick because Mallett will absolutely show up to a game undeniably, unequivocally, high as the sky. Mallett could realistically be the first NFL player ever caught lighting up a bong on the sideline. Can’t you just see the camera focusing on Mallett as he takes a hit and Jim Nantz frantically pleading with the camera men to pan out? It’s definitely in play.
16. Jacksonville Jaguars: Aldon Smith, OLB
If the Jaguars could invent a time machine they would surely use it to travel back a year and pick Tim Tebow. Aldon Smith is terrible consolation prize, but it’s something, right?
17. New England Patriots: Ryan Kerrigan, DE
18. San Diego Chargers: J.J Watt, DE
19. New York Giants: Corey Liuget, DT
20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Brandon Harris, CB
21. Kansas City Chiefs: Anthony Castonzo, OT
22. Indianapolis Colts: Gabe Carimi, OT
23. Philadelphia Eagles: Mike Pouncey, G, C
24. New Orleans Saints: Adrian Clayborn, DE
25. Seattle Seahawks: Andy Dalton, QB
26. Baltimore Ravens: Cameron Jordan, DE
27. Atlanta Falcons: Danny Watkins, G
28. New England Patriots: Nate Solder, OT
29. Chicago Bears: Derek Sherrod, OT
30. New York Jets: Akeem Ayers, OLB
31. Pittsburgh Steelers: Aaron Williams, CB
32. Green Bay Packers: Brooks Reed, DE
I’m beginning to think this is an exercise in futility…
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